Portrait of Love as Reassurance

Note: While there are no blatant spoilers mentioned in today’s essay, inferences can be made about the events of episode 3 of the Last of Us from reading this essay. If you would like to experience the episode without any kind of spoiler, I highly recommend you stop and watch the episode first before reading this essay.

I seek safety and commitment in my relationships. I’m on the side of the argument that love is not enough to sustain any relationship. With love (to me), there needs to be a bedrock of trust and consistency.

Along with millions of other viewers, I sobbed at the story shared between Bill and Frank in the third episode of The Last of Us¹.

In the short time spent with Bill and Frank, we see their differences and similarities and rejoice in the beauty of their vulnerability. We see actions as love whether it in the exchange of strawberries, watering of flowers, or the turning of a plate. In a dystopian world, they found peace in each other's presence.

My partner and I’ve had conversations on what we think we would do when we pass. My thinking is very future-oriented (in all its pros and cons); and, in this way, I’ve prepared for his death again and again.

But what my time with my partner (and Bill and Frank) has taught me is to imbue every moment with appreciation. Us choosing each other is a gift in itself. In these moments of worry, he takes my hands and says, “everyday spent together will be full of love enough to last lifetimes.” It is in the little actions he does that make the meaning of love for me. Time and time again, my partner shows up and chooses me.

How will you / have you prepare(d) for his death?
after Chen Chen & Lorenz Mazon Dumuk
for Eric

He / holds my hand. / We watch a special on Netflix / examining conflict in relationships. / His hold / does not waver. / I am a blanket / of worries, / tapestry worn / and frayed, / untying that which does not serve me. / He carries these strands in the light. / His hold / does not waver. / In this special, this couple writes a number / a percentage of how much / they want to be together. / I split / at their 70% / and 80% / a deer that raises her ears at the wind / a danger that is not present / but knowing the breath is a force born from a body that / could / become / danger. / Still / his hold / does not waver. / I leave and park at Safeway / errands redirecting static. / The theory of the multiverse / means a freedom of choice / where these paths become the maze / of all “what could have beens” / but in this time / in this life / I unfold a piece of paper / strategically placed in my purse / sharpie tang in my nose / and I cry at its curves / I cry / unraveled / at its / his / 100%. 

I would like to think that he and I are years away from this type of preparation.

But even if this day comes to us much sooner than we expect, each day spent together from now until then will be worth a lifetime of love, security, and tenderness.

1. The Last of Us is originally a video game created by Naughty Dog. It is currently being adapted for television on HBO Max.