In all versions of me, I am angry. I am earth centered, water guided fury. Each of the elements move within me, against me. While they fight, I look at the trees. I count the leaves and thank the sun for each of its rays, which adorn my forehead like a crown. I gather these rays and they lie in wait. Of all the signs within me, Sagittarius is dormant. They sleep soundly knowing Virgo is at the helm with Scorpio at her second. But sometimes, Virgo and Scorpio bow too often. They are already awake before a finger brushes their shoulder. Hooves against the dirt of the earth that lifts them up. Muscles hardened, knowing the tension of enduring. And when Virgo's and Scorpio's noses touch the ground, Sagittarius' arrow is already loosed.
Sometimes, poems are born, emerging.
This poem was born from a writer’s block its original title, “Too Much Lava in my Big 3 with my Fire Sign Moon".
This poem, my Athena, was an accumulation of emotions I left untended. On the day this poem was born, I was preparing for dual-performance at the Montalvo Arts Center to celebrate the reveal of the “Creating Space” installment at the 2022 Marcus Festival. The poets invited were asked to create ekphrastic pieces in conversation and or in response to the new paintings and or sculptures. Despite knowing my task a month prior to the event, I had major “writer’s block.”
I reached out to poet (my pare, poetry father, and fellow performer at this event), Lorenz Mazon Dumuk, on how to approach this dilemma. I explained that this is abnormal for me; normally, I excel in writing in response to “prompts". To which he said, “seems things feeling familiar is throwing you off. Your mind is hella involved. All your tectonic plates are shifting.”
I replied, “too much lava with my fire sign moon!!!!”
And there, he taught me the necessary detour:
“Write about this first. You need this poem before you work. It is not an obstruction, but something fighting to be heard by you. And heart kind of agrees to it, so mind and heart have conspired against you. Lean into that first. Let that be released first.”
After I sent him my poem, he said:
”If we want our writing authentic, we must approach it with our authentic self. Writing, especially of the heart kind, will always magnetically go towards where we are most honest. Remember you were clearing channels. Parts of us will take that chance to be amplified even despite our ambition. Sag chakra blocked you for a reason. Writing is hard when you have Sag asking for the last however long for attention. If you need clarity for a poem, you going to need to use the walis, or else that what’s swept under will laugh at you, especially when it’s this big lump under the carpet.”
When folks discover my big three, they’re often in disbelief. I’ve heard a range of, “this is…a lot,” “your chart is so chaotic,” to “you’re so sweet but your chart is…much.”
In all versions of me, I am angry. I am earth centered, water guided fury. Each of the elements move within me, against me. While they fight, I look at the trees.
I don’t know what it is within me that allows my need (and ability) for control. Perhaps, it’s my Virgo Sun and Libra Mercury? Despite my intense emotions, I do my best to listen first before I react. And because of my Scorpio Rising, I’ve a penchant for retaliation. I’ve a Scorpio Stellium with a Virgo Sun, Cancer Mars, and Libra Mercury, so I joke I’m the avatar with all the elements housed within me.
While they fight, I look at the trees. I count the leaves and thank the sun for each of its rays, which adorn my forehead like a crown. I gather these rays and they lie in wait. Of all the signs within me, Sagittarius is dormant. They sleep soundly knowing Virgo is at the helm with Scorpio at her second.
My partner is a Leo Sun with a Leo Stellium. In my writing, I refer to him with sun imagery. To me, he is the sun. I am half-joking when I tell him this, but in moments where my anger flares, the other person (or people) are only spared because he is present. He calms me; he is my center. Funny enough, he is all fire, but he is my rock. I think of his kisses and the tenderness with which he kisses my forehead. While he is the person that prevents potential outbursts, he encourages them. He looks at me earnestly and says, “you are too kind.”
I think about my relationship with anger. With my stoic Virgo Sun and soothing therapist, Scorpio Rising, my first instinct is to look for alternative routes towards a solution. But sometimes, peace is only won after a fight.
But sometimes, Virgo and Scorpio bow too often. They are already awake before a finger brushes their shoulder. Hooves against the dirt of the earth that lifts them up. Muscles hardened, knowing the tension of enduring. And when Virgo's and Scorpio's noses touch the ground, Sagittarius' arrow is already loosed.
I am a genderfluid/genderflux/genderfae fem non-binary person. I prefer they/them pronouns. I am non-binary, but I’m still in touch with my womanhood. I speak to her; and sometimes, I am her. To me and of myself, I think of my Virgo Sun and Scorpio Rising with she/her pronouns. I greatly correlate my fire and my desire to be seen as my true self with my Sag Moon, so I think of them as they/them.
I didn’t know this then, but my Sag Moon has always been my protector. Anger is a signal; it blares when we are wronged or hurt. As a recovering people-pleaser, I’ve sacrificed myself at the expense of others’ wants. I gave myself as the price of peace. But when my Sag Moon awakes, they do not allow this to happen. Before I know, I am saying before I am thinking. I am moving before I am thinking. Sag is a one track mind, and they tell me to go. They tell me, to flex, to scream, to flail. They tell me to fight. This is where I see my inner placements in battle.
My Sag Moon, my archer, my anger, pride, and voice, deserve to be seen.
They will be heard.
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